Blog

The holidays can be a stressful time. But if you're caring for a loved one suffering from a new or long-term illness, the holidays can be downright disruptive. 

At this month's Caregiver Care, Sarah Shapiro will facilitate a discussion about handling the holidays when a loved one is ill. She'll talk about setting realistic expectations, making a plan, and enlisting support. 

Sarah Shapiro is Beth El's Social Worker and facilitates Caregiver Cafe. Sarah is a native of Baltimore who graduated from Yale University and earned a Masters of Social Work (MSW) degree from the University of Maryland School of Social Work and Community Planning. Sarah has over twenty years of experience providing short-term social work consultation services to clients of all ages in a variety of settings. 

Here's what Sarah had to say about caregiving during the holidays: 

We often have high expectations for the holiday season. How might the holidays feel different if a loved one is ill? 

The holidays, whether Jewish or secular, bring up mixed emotions and this is especially true for caregivers dealing with a loved one's recent illness. Experiencing the holidays for the first time after a loved one's illness forces the family to recognize a new reality. Our loved one might not be able to participate to the extent they have in the past. Experiencing a feeling of loss is natural. There's a sense of grieving for the loved one and how they used to be. Caregivers should incorporate their ill family member as much as possible given the circumstances. The loved one may no longer be the life of the party, but perhaps they can help prepare for the holiday by packaging baked goods, wrapping presents, or performing other simple tasks that are still meaningful.

That's a lot to handle. What's the first step for someone who feels overwhelmed by their loved one's illness?

Come to Caregiver Cafe! It's very appropriate to experience a range of emotions during this time of year. Managing those difficult emotions means reaching out for support. 

Altering expectations for yourself and others is essential. If you've hosted 25 people for Thanksgiving dinner in the past, you might feel obligated to do so this year too. But is that realistic given your loved one's condition and your responsibilities to that person? Can you reduce the guest list? Can you be a guest somewhere else?  

Think carefully about what you can and can't manage. Its OK to accept help. Often people want to help. They just need direction from the caregiver. Be sure to communicate your needs. Whether by email, letter, or phone call, it's important to frame the expectations of your extended family members and friends. It may be hard at first. Maintaining old traditions may not be possible if a loved one is not physically able to play their traditional role. But over time you will all come together to create new traditions and new memories.

How can a caregiver deal with challenging behaviors without losing their cool?

Reaching out to friends and family friends ahead of time is really helpful. Let them know what to expect of the ailing loved one. Suppose your loved one suffers from issues with memory. You might share with your guests that the loved one may have difficulty remembering specific things, or may not recognize a particular person. Preparing people in advance for what to expect can help things go smoothly. 

For the caregiver themselves, it's important to remember that the loved one - if they are emotionally or physically compromised in some way - is not intentionally being difficult. If you're the caregiver, it's essential for the caregiver to take time and space to care for yourself. If you know that taking a walk before the family comes helps you feel grounded, invite someone to come over 30 minutes early so you can take that walk. 

Figure out what you need as a caregiver and make a plan.

If a person is feeling stressed or burnt out, is it ok to need a break from caregiving? How can or should the caregiver take their respite? 

It's absolutely OK to take a break! So much of what we focus on in Caregiver Cafe is self-care. A caregiver's health deteriorates if they don't take care of themselves. If the caregiver doesn't maintain a healthy mind and body then they are not doing their loved one any good. 

Perhaps that means hiring a third party caregiver. Understandably, that decision might be met with resistance from the ailing loved one and will require a difficult conversation. As a caregiver, consider saying to your loved one: “I love you, and I want to be there for you, but for me to stay well and be there for you, I need a break sometimes." If hiring outside care is not a financial option, ask another family member or trusted friend to spend some time with the ailing loved one.

Beyond asking for help, be sure not to add any unnecessary stress. Often, when people think of the holidays, they feel the pressure to make everything special. It's helpful to remember that there can be joy in the little things. Cherish the ordinary. 

The Soul Center hosts Caregiver Cafe on the third Thursday of each month from 2 â€" 3:30 pm.

2018 Dates: November 15th, December 20th.

2019 Dates: January 17th, February 21st, March 21st, April 11th, May 16th, June 20th.

Are you or someone you love experiencing a life challenge or transition? Do you want some guidance and support? Sarah Shapiro, LCSW-C, Beth El's In-House Social Worker, is available to provide short-term counseling free-of-charge to congregants, school families, and Soul Center participants, in-person or over the phone. She is usually at Beth El on Tuesdays from 12:00-2:00 p.m. and on Thursdays from 1:00-5:00 p.m. Sarah can be reached via phone at 410-484-0411 ext. 1111 or via email at sarahs@bethelbalto.com. 

For more information on Caregiver Cafe, please visit the Soul Center's website.